Dianne Feinstein, 90, the senior Democratic senator from California awoke from her nap in the Senate chamber feeling inspired.

“I saw that cute boy in the green shirt, Zelensky, on the video machine and just knew that my place was on the battle field, next to my fellow World War I survivors.”

“The tension between the Tzars of Russia and the Austria-Hungarian empire has been ready to boil over ever since the 1890’s, when I was just a little girl” she explained.

Asked if she was worried about being able to carry a fully automatic M-16 in an active war zone at the age of 90, she looked up, her eyes steely and full of determination, and uttered these four simple words:

“Who are you, again?”

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Listen, we are going to level with you. We dont really care about this. As all of you know CNN went all in on Trump in 2015 and now that he is not president anymore we are completely fucked.

It also doesn’t help that our top producers are being outted as either sexual predators or complete frauds. Kind of makes this moral high ground stance we’ve been taking for the last five years seem pretty hypocritical, huh?

Anyway, we agree with the current President of the United States, Joe Biden, that a former game show host (not Donald Trump this time, lol) should be deplatformed. Running this story about him will increase our viewership by, like, ten percent and hopefully stave off our inevitable obsolescence.

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I’m doing fine. Why do you even ask?

Whats not to like about right now? It got up to 19 degrees today.

Nah, haven’t been reading the news or anything. Just staying in my lane and grinding.

How’s comedy going? How about you go fuck yourself!

Anyway, great to hear…

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The world has run its course and we are at the end of history. The pyramids will be sanded down the same as the 57th street skyscrapers. With no vision for the future, we crumble into our mythical past. One where things were simple, the lightning bugs beckoned us back to our parents houses before the streetlights could.

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