Meet the Conservative Activist Behind the Anti-wipe Movement

I don’t need big government or any so-called ‘scientists’ telling my to wipe my ass. Davidson Boswell explained to me as he sat on a bench outside a trendy Queens cafe on a blisteringly cold day in January.

“The level of descrimination I face is insane. They wouldn’t even let me sit down inside the cafe because I quote- unquote ‘smelled so bad.’”

At this point, I got a whiff and I — as subtly as possible — scootched over a few inches.

“We are creating a two tiered society,” the trail-blazer continued. “One where you have the virtue-signaler class: the ones that wipe their ass after they use the bathroom. And the mavericks: the ones like me, that refuse to play into the mainstream narrative and simply stand up, flush, and walk out of the bathroom.”

“Its a slippery slope, you know?”

I nodded in agreement, struggling to keep a straight face as wave after wave of nausea crashed over me.

“What is this? Nazi Germany? What would Anne Frank think about this if she were alive today?

I had no answer to this. I was worried I would throw up if I decided to speak, so I just nodded.

“Anyway, I have to leave,” Davidson concluded. “The owner said he would call the cops if I stayed out here and drove customers away. With the quote unquote ‘smell of shit.’”