What Your NBA Jersey Says about You!

You may not realize this, but the NBA player you rep out on the town says a lot more about your personality than anything else in your wardrobe. This list is indispensable for the average NBA fan looking to make a statement about who they are.

Dwight Howard #8 Atlanta Hawks

You sing the praises of getting discount buffet food at that strip club near the airport to anyone that will listen. The problem is, as you go through life, fewer and fewer people want to be around you because you are fake as hell. Their loss though, more scrambled eggs at the club for you.

Klay Thompson #11 Golden State Warriors

People like being around you because you are so easy going. Your friends worry about you though. They notice that you sleep on an IKEA futon way too close to some open cans of paint thinner that you haven’t bothered to throw away for the last few months. I mean, how could you not smell that?

Damien Lillard #0 Portland Trailblazers

One time, your brother in law called your sister a whore. Upon hearing, you drove 43 hours from your home in Olympia Washington and to hers in Tulsa, Oklahoma, stopping only for gas along the way. When you got there, you didn’t even take the keys out of the ignition of your sensible, low emission, hybrid car. You simply grabbed him by his beard, threw him out onto the front lawn and beat him within an inch of his life.

You always pick up the check at dinner and are rarely late.

Gordon Hayward #20 Utah Jazz

You and your wife teach your kids that the white race is under threat from a changing America. The real reason you got laid off at the cider mill, and one you tell yourself is very different. You crush a 30 rack of Bush Ice that you store in the garage every two days. There is carpeting on your toilet.

Kyrie Irving #2 Cleveland Cavaliers

You dominate every conversation you’ve ever been a part of. It isn’t always a bad thing because there are like, two topics you know a lot about. If those topics (CrossFit, WWII History) are introduced then you are liable to have a good conversation. If they are not, you are going to prattle on about nothing even after you visibly offend your buddy’s girlfriend.

Mike Conley #11 Memphis Grizzlies

Nobody knows who you are.

Boris Diaws #33 Utah Jazz

If anything, your consumption of Subway sandwiches went up during the Jared Fogle Trial. Three dollar subs are unbeatable in terms of value. He is serving his time in federal prison, end of story. You get a meatball marina sub, a drink, and a side of chips for six bucks. End of story. Your doctor tells you if you don’t start eating healthier you will have heart problems. Subway is healthy, or so you tell yourself.

Chris Paul #3 Los Angeles Clippers

You once spent twenty minutes in a gas station arguing with a cashier about a $5.37 discrepancy on your receipt for a can of Skoal that you did, in fact, buy. Although you do well at your middle-management job, all your subordinates hate you.

Kawhi Leonard #2 San Antonio Spurs

Everything comes easy to you, except understanding what people closest want from you. When your younger brother told you he was rejected from Dartmouth, you asked him what he was feeling for dinner.

Lebron James #23 Cleveland Cavaliers

You might be unnecessarily cocky about a lot, but, at the end of the day, people look to you for guidance in most things. It is always you that talks people down from calling their ex-girlfriends at the bars and you’ve bailed your friend out of prison more than once without judging them on the ride home. You’re excited to do jury duty next month because it is so nice to give back to a community that has given you so much.

Kevin Durant #35 Oklahoma City Thunder

You are an incredibly talented and humble man. You spend hours squirreled away in your art studio making handmade sculptures and paintings that make people feel like they are the only person in the world when they receive them. You’ve donated large portions of your income to nature conservation projects and are always first to show up by somebody’s side at the hospital.

Kevin Durant #35 Golden State Warriors